turn around

I feel like I have a lot of people in my life that i will always remain close to no matter how long I stay out of touch with and Bmax is one of the people. Yesterday morning I had to please to get breakfast with him and enjoyed some pumpkin pancakes over a good conversation. I am finding that my time away from my mom for short amounts of time are healthy for my mind well being, especially with people I care for so dearly. I am finding more and more that God is still using people to talk to me, to comfort me, and help me make handle everything in the best way possible.
Overall it was just a good day yesterday. After that I went to Herbies in uptown whittier and bought my mom some food items that will hopefully help her. Then Shannon came over and we got to take some good family pictures. Thank God she was able to feel good enough so that we were able to get together to take these pictures. That night I went to work and Megan and Mitch came by and visited. It was good to see my roommate that I barely see :( and to see Mitch who was out on the road for a few weeks. We ended the night back at our apt and had some good conversations then I returned to my moms that night.


Finally!!!!!

We met a doctor that i ACTUALLY like! :). I feel like most of the doctors I have come in contact with are not very realistic and are too book minded. This guy was awesome. He was very good at explaining things and made my mom, brother, and i feel really comfortable. My mom is on new pain meds now and this week she will be on hospice care from home. With this it will help our with some many different things along with keeping her pain levels to a minimal. It will do me a lot of good too because I won't feel like i am working all hours of the day and therefore help give time for my mom and I to actually hang out.
Tonight we drove out to Azusa to visit my aunt and uncle. It was nice for my mom to be out of her apt and get fresh air. I enjoy the company of my aunt and uncle very much.


Without the love and support with everyone around this whole process would be a thousand times more difficult. Please just keep us and her in your prayers. Thank you and Love you :)

Life is getting more discouraging as time goes on. I hate these words coming out of my mouth but I am now having moments where I am upset with God...
Is that even okay?
I can't take seeing my mom in pain anymore. We are trying our best for her to not be in pain but it just seems like it is getting worse and worse. I don't feel like my brother is pulling much weight around the house, which leaves mean frustrated. I am tired.
There are little moments when I leave the house to go out for a bit but I am just worried the whole time. How can I get away when I know my mom is laying there in pain. I HATE it. Why??? Ugh!!! There are so many moments where I am panicking inside because I am afraid that something will happen to her when either my brother or I is not home.
The days just seem to get longer and longer.

To top it off I lost a $100 bucks at work tonight. Somehow when I did my check out I gave someone the wrong money and no one confessed to taking it. So now I am even more short on money. This month is just fabulous.

here we go again.

My emotions go back and fourth constantly. In some moments I am completely okay with how everything pans out and the next I could be upset or angry. Seeing my mom in pain brings me down inside more than anything. To see your parent break down and cry because of how much pain their in is so heartbreaking and knowing that there is literally nothing we can do about it makes it even more difficult . We are doing everything we can so that she is not in pain but nothing seems to be working. I am pretty sure her body has gotten immune to the pain medication forcing her to take in shorter intervals which is not healthy for her.

This past week I have spent all my time including spending the night at her house. Preparing her meals, giving her medicine, making her tea, cleaning her house, doing her laundry, and giving her her vitamins. I am really trying to help her feel as comfortable as possible.


God I just want her healed from her pain. I want her to be able to get a good nights rest.

#3

We only have as much faith as we allow ourselves to have. I need to change my perspective and attitude. I need to be happy when I am with her and enjoy every moment together. We are both growing within this. I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel. He gives and takes away. I want her pain away and I firmly believe that can be removed. My spirits are starting to look up. It's not up to a doctor to give us a time limit, it's Gods plan and His plan ONLY.

Faith
Faith
Faith is what going to get us through this. Please remember to keep her in your prayers. Pray for her pain, pray for mine and my brothers strength and attitudes. She won't get through this if she doesn't have something worth fighting for and right now my brother and I are worth fighting for.
She needs her physical strength built back up so please pray for that. Also please pray that the people in all of our lives can be used as tools to give us any information on fighting this battle.

update #2

In this moment I am completely frighten.
It started off as a normal day at my moms but that only last about 5 minutes. She started to sit up so she could eat the little food that she was planning on, then suddenly was hit with the most excruciating pain that she has ever been in up until this point. She had an unexplainable look on her face with moans of pain coming out of her mouth. The first thing that came out of my mouth was screamed "MOM NO" and the tears did not stop for some time. For a moment I felt like I may be losing her real soon. I still don't know though. I feel like she could last a couple more years and the other part of me is not sure if she will last till the end of this year. She has more faith in this than I could even think about having. When her pain hit she repeatedly said "in the name of Jesus take away this pain and cure me". I know she knows that she is not ready to go. She wants to fight it the natural way. I firmly believe this is possible but I get overwhelmed with all the information there is out there that has to do with cancer. Some say its a death sentence and others say it's not as bad as you think. Who knows...
I am trying to have my head up high on this but it is harder at this point than it has been. I don't like to see anyone suffer in any kind of way at all. It breaks me down inside and I can't handle it.

Mom

The time that it is most important in my life to blog is when I stopped. I am going to try to pick it back up but I don't know how well it's going to work out. The best way I deal with tough events in my life is to run and that is exactly what I have done when I stopped writing. I didn't want to have to deal with the thoughts about my mom being sick more than I needed to, however it's important for growth within myself and to properly handle everything.

Lately I have spent countless amount of hours at my moms house. Things are getting tougher by the day. She seems to be in more and more pain as time goes on, needing to up her intake on her pain pills. For a long time everything seemed normal but just a little bit difficult to walk. Now I can visually see that her leg that the cancer in is rapidly growing. We could have a moment where everything is good, everything is normal but the second I look down at her leg my eyes are flooded with tears forcing me to walk out of the room. I don't want my mom to see me sad or scared. It's important that our time is filled with loving each other in the best way possible. My mom has become one of my friends, which has been such a big blessing in my life. I know that God is constantly showing Himself to me because He knows I need Him now but it still is hard.
This very well could be the last holiday season I get to spend with my mom and brother as a family. I am learning as time goes on that people in my life are just so important to me and it's so easy to get lost in that in the midst of business and chaos. I don't want to loose sight of that and I am going to be the best daughter I can be in this time.

Friends, please continue to keep her and my family in your prayers.

I love you mom.